Remember the 80s? I do. There was hair, and neon, and shoulder pads, and hair. Reagan was spoiling all that fun they talked about from the 60’s and 70’s. Michael J. Fox could sit still. What? Too soon?

Back in the day, metal ruled the airwaves with an iron fist and a shitload of hairspray. Rock gods, with their pants too tight (I’m talking to you Stephen Pearcy) and their voices too screeching, descended from heaven and gave us unforgettable anthems like “Talk Dirty to Me” by Poison and “Dream Warriors” by Dokken. Good times.

This assault on our senses wasn’t limited to the boys, and arguably no woman rocked-out-with-her-cock-out harder in 1988 than Lita Ford. The British-born (wait, what?) soprano picked up her first axe (axe means guitar, for those of you who don’t habla) at age 11, and by the late 80’s the Heavy Metal Highmistress had released the album “Lita,” featuring four bona fide commercial hits. Who doesn’t remember singing along, badly, to “Close My Eyes Forever” with Lita and the Prince of Darkness? Don’t lie to me!

Jack, you’re asking. What the fuck does this have to do with sex? Oh, ye of little faith.

Stockroom.com and Lita Ford “invite those with a love for kink and a knack for creative writing to share their ideal “Wicked Wonderland” by participating in the Fantasy Fiction Essay Contest.” That’s right! You pen something dirty, and send it their way, and you could win a signature B.C. Rich Warlock guitar! Autographed by Lita herself!!! What’s better than exclamation points?!?

According to Stockroom, the Warlock features “dual humbucker pickups; a 24-fret Maplewood neck with rosewood fingerboard and chrome hardware.” I don’t have the first fucking clue what any of that means, but it sounds pretty bad-ass, right?

Second prize is this terrifying/sexi-licious bondage kit. Third prize is a swift kick in the ass. Naw, I’m just pulling your chain. It’s actually this ball gag. You wanna re-think that kick in the ass? I’m just sayin’.

So get writing, my fellow filthy friends. You’ve got a dirty story to tell. And Lita Ford wants to hear it. I’ll be over here, banging my head.

Flashes the rock fork.