On the same day it legalized medical marijuana, Maine joined progressive pioneer states like Arkansas, Georgia and Utah in deciding that marriage is for suckers. No. Wait. Heterosexuals. That’s it. Voters went to the polls and repealed a state law that would have allowed same sex couples to wed. The sanctity of marriage lives! Someone hand me one of those little airline puke bags. I want to throw up all over the words sanctity and marriage.

31 states in all have decided to amend their constitution to specifically deny a segment of their population the same equality straight couples are afforded. Five states have miraculously got their shit together somehow, starting with Massachusetts in 2004 (state motto: Qweahs Ah People Too You Fakkin’ Pricks GO SAWX!) , followed by Vermont, New Hampshire, Connecticut and Iowa. Yes. Iowa. I just report the news people.

I can’t decide what irks me more; the fact that we’re still actually debating whether or not gay couples should be allowed to marry, or that 31 fucking states have actually decided that all things being equal, gays aren’t, you know, equal.

After the “victory,” local bigot and all around douchebag Frank Shubert declared “The institution of marriage has been preserved in Maine and across the nation.” No word on his thoughts on this guy’s marriage. Or this guy. Or this guy. How many more Senators marriages have to be ruined so a few queers can marry? Seriously. Think of the children people! Wait. You mean their marriages went to shit for reasons completed unrelated to gay marriage? The hell you say!

Believe it or not, in the four years since Massachusetts has decided that everyone should be allowed to marry, regardless of sexual orientation, the free world has not collapsed. Women and children have not run shrieking off the cliff to their deaths. Survivor has not been canceled. God has not rained down fire and brimstone in condemnation. Marriages have not spontaneously combusted under the threat of all that equality spreading like a plague in Iowa. I repeat. Iowa. Enough hyperbole? I’ve got a whole bag full of this shit.

The United States Supreme Court decided in 1967 that the Nuremberg-sounding Racial Integrity Act of 1924 was unconstitutional, effectively ending all race-based restrictions on marriage in the United States. Here we are 42 years later, and we still can’t seem to get it right. An article by Andrew Altman published in the Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy in 2003 states: “No contemporary thinker of significance holds that (civil rights) can be legitimately denied to a person on the basis of race, color, sex, religion, national origin, or disability.” Yet in the same paragraph he finds: “In addition, debate exists over the legitimacy of including sexual orientation among the other categories traditionally protected by civil rights law…” The debate still exists. Really?

What I find particularly telling is the manner with which states have decided to address the issue. In the case of Maine, the legislature passed a law last spring that would have legalized gay marriage, but was put on hold (shockingly enough) after conservatives launched a petition drive to repeal it in a referendum. Basically the government of the State of Maine decided that they needed to get on board with this whole equality thing, and the citizens stood up and said equal but separate is really a better way to go. After 87 precincts reported, gay marriage opponents had 53% of the votes. In all cases (that would be five, if you’re scoring at home) where states have legalized gay marriage, they’ve done so through legislation or court rulings, as opposed to popular vote.

You can read into this several ways. First and foremost, older voters vote. Younger voters, by and large, do not vote. While the campaign to allow gay marriage was well funded, I’d gather that voter turnout skewed toward more conservative, older voters who, quite frankly, are behind the times when it comes to accepting brown people and the gays. The younger you poll, you’ll find that young people today simply don’t give a shit who marries whom. As the older generation expires, I believe we’ll begin to see a seismic shift in public opinion toward gay marriage. One day everyone will look around and wonder what all the fuss was about.

You could also speculate that the referendum failed simply because of wording. In order to uphold marriage equality in the State of Maine, voters were required to vote no on the ballot. Voters were specifically asked: “Do you want to reject the new law that lets same-sex couples marry and allows individuals and religious groups to refuse to perform these marriages?” To clarify, in order to ensure gay citizens can marry in Maine, voters had to vote no. Can we try any harder to confuse people? Fuck it, let’s throw some hanging chads in there while we’re at it.

Another thing to consider is the use of constitutional amendments and referendums to determine issues of this magnitude. States like California allow for referendums that can change the state’s constitution with a simple majority vote. I’d like to think humans are inherently good people, but unfortunately I know a few (humans, not good people), and it seems like when you get us together in large numbers, we’re fucking idiots. Do we really need to sit down and vote to decide if an entire group of people deserve to be treated the same as the rest of us? How well do you think that would have went over in Mississippi at the turn of the century with regards to slavery? Put it to a vote! Let’s see if we should bring back slavery in the south! That’s patently absurd. That’s immoral. Allowing two people who love each other to marry and have a family together regardless of gender? Not so much.

While it seems at first glace that with every step forward, we take two steps back, I believe we’re inching our way toward the kind of equality that on the surface seems like a long overdue change in our society. Every single issue with regards to civil rights finds a way eventually. Religious arguments against gay marriage tend to cherry pick pieces of the scripture that denounce homosexuality, while ignoring chunks of the scripture that support plural marriages, slavery, trading your wife for a good yak, and so on. Marriage as an institution is about love and commitment, and that doesn’t have anything to do with gender identity. As the narrow-minded, yet vocal minority begin to die off, and in their places the youth of America rise up and realize that we have bigger fish to fry, I believe we’ll look back on days like yesterday and shake our head in disbelief and wonder what took us so long.

For fuck sake, Maine. More conservative than Iowa? For shame.

Oh, and that part about Maine voting to legalize pot the same day they took a big dump on equal rights? I wasn’t kidding. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to smoke a joint and spend the evening trying to figure out how Maine can be forward and backward at the same time.