In a surprising turn of events that stunned a total of no one, serial free-speech hater Wal-Mart purchased the online digital provider Vudu, Inc. and promptly shut off the porn. Because when I think progressive First Amendment advocates, I think Wal-Mart.

Vudu, some company I’d never heard of before I read they were bought by Wal-Mart, provides on-demand movies either through a set-top device or a built in device through your television. I’m not entirely certain. What do I look like, The Answer Man (Although this one time, I was walking to the train, and I saw Jeff Daniels with his two dogs. I was going to tell him I loved him in Gettysburgh, but his dogs were pooping. True story-ed)? Regardless, they used to have a channel called AVN’s “After Dark”. Well, now it’s just dark. Ha! What? Fine, I’m leaving.

Not only is “After Dark” no longer available, Vudu is said to be refunding any purchases customers made outright (as opposed to rentals) for titles no longer available. Sort of a digital scrubbing, Karen Silkwood style, to make sure that all the nasty is cleaned out of every nook and cranny. And by that I mean your anus.

Vivid Entertainment’s Steve Hirsch took time out of his busy casting couch schedule to claim that it wasn’t a big deal, cause Vudu had limited distribution and that joining forces with Wal-Mart would expand Vudu’s reach. Minus porn.

“We’re really looking toward IPTV as the next move. We’re always seeking new platforms but we’re not considering moving to any new provider at this time,” Hirsch said. When asked what the hell IPTV stood for, he just smiled and stroked his pile of money. I may or may not have made that last part up.

Not missing in all of this is the irony, of course, in Wal-Mart’s continued assault on all things they consider “inappropriate.” Not even touching on their arbitrary censorship, like refusing to carry music with parental advisory labels, refusing to sell the director’s cut of Natural Born Killers or Paul Verhoeven’s ridiculous classic “Showgirls”, while carrying high-selling money-makers like “Pulp Fiction”; Wal-Mart continues to underpay and inadequately insure its workers. It purchases 80% of its products from China, where working conditions are notoriously pleasant. It continues to ravage community businesses, pollute the environment, and broke up the Doobie Brothers. Bastards. So while they continue to rape and pillage just about every single thing known to man, at least they’re protecting our children from porn. Or are they?

The interesting thing to note is how “After Dark” was provided through Vudu. The content was locked away, only available through registration, with a credit card. The purchases were secure and no more accessible than many forms of restricted adult content. As of today, I’m still mostly certain our children still aren’t allowed credit cards, which would lead me to believe they couldn’t access any of the “After Dark” content, but what the fuck do I know? I just found out who shot JR. Spoiler alert. It was all a dream.

When reached for comment, a Wal-Mart executive lit his big, brown cock of a cigar with a pile of burning books, winked at me, and goose-stepped off into the sunset.

True story.

Image provided by some Businessweek article that I’m pretty sure didn’t have anything to do with porn.